Sage Woman Chronicles

Letting Go of the Old, Welcoming the New

Revised book cover for The Space Between Time

“What if imagination and art are not frosting at all, but the fountainhead of human experience?” ~ Rollo May, Existential Psychologist

“Creativity, it seems, has much in common with spirituality and may, in fact, be the same thing.” ~ Pam Grout, Art & Soul Reloaded

“Be Loki. Be Coyote. Be willing to stir the world’s soup pot. Spit at the stars, show your backside to the council, whoop in church.” ~ Jame Yoder, Author

How do you cope during extremely stressful times? I do it by finding a creative project.

When I was first teaching drama, I was also going to school full-time, and directing plays. I didn’t have one moment of the day to just breathe and relax. However, when I was at play rehearsals, I did get a bit of the rest and replenishment I needed because it was collaborative and creative.

When I was in college studying both religion and theatre, I learned something valuable. That art, or creativity, are spiritual in nature. Over the years I’ve come to understand that we all have the ability to tap into the well of creativity to heal, renew, and connect with other people. Even though I’m now a writer as well as a theatre instructor, I’m fascinated with how others view creativity.

That’s why I bought Pam Grout’s new book Art & Soul Reloaded. It’s a book with a creative exercise for each week. I’ve only read the first few pages, but I found it interesting that I have much in common with her. Like Pam, I’m the daughter of a minister with two sides to my personality. I have been the good girl, good in school, and done all the conventional things we’re told human beings are supposed to do. But, like Pam Grout, I’ve been secretly drawn to the bohemian life. I’ve wanted to be like Auntie Mame, and “live, live, live!” But most of the time I’m more like June Cleaver, only without The Beaver.

Like Pam Grout, I’d dabble in being a bohemian. When I was acting, I’d hang out at the bar after rehearsal, and go to the opening night, and end of the run parties. However, though I might sing along with the rest, and share war stories of things that happened during the show’s run, I didn’t drink much, nor did I act with crazy abandon. I stayed on the fringes enjoying other people’s freedom but not fully participating. I wanted to shed my inhibitions, but rarely did. Yet, from my theatre experiences I did learn some extraordinary lessons. That we all want the same basic things, to love and be loved, to find our purpose, to be useful. This is true for all people no matter their gender, color, sexual preference, or race.

I bought Pam’s book because even though I work on creative projects nearly every day, I feel like I’m still stuck back in that conventional life of working and teaching. The pull has been strong to follow the crowd and do all the appropriate things like buying a house, keeping the yard nice, planning for retirement, and such. I have not always followed all those “must do’s” and there is a part of me that rejoices that I’ve made some pretty bold choices in my life. Yet, I’d like to be the old woman that people either say, “Watch out here comes, Lucinda.” or “I want to be alive and vibrant like that when I’m old.”

It’s when I’ve made the bold choices that I’ve felt most alive and happy, as opposed to the sinking feeling of living out the conventional choices I’ve made. And now seems like a good time to get rid of more of those old beliefs about what living a good life looks like.

I think there has always been a tension inside me between committing absolutely to a creative life as opposed to living a more conventional one. But, even as I worked those 8:00 to 5:00 jobs, I looked for ways to break out of the crush of routine. And even though I’ve only just begun to read Art & Soul Reloaded, I feel that we can all find ways to fill our souls with the beauty of creating something wonderful. Maybe it’s gardening, or gourmet cooking, or doing hand crafts of some sort. I don’t think it matters what the creative endeavor is as long as we give ourselves time to let go of the cares of the world and let the creativity that we were born with flow through us.

What I hope to get out of doing the exercises in this book is to become more open to what life has to offer me instead of worrying about all the ugly things that are happening in the world. It’s easy to get caught up in the negative. I want to focus on the positive so I can contribute to love and beauty for all to enjoy.

By the way, the second proof for my novel has arrived. It won’t be long now before it’s available for purchase. In the mean time, I’m enjoying teaching acting and working on the sequel novel.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment or share with a friend.

Lucinda is the author of The Space Between Time, a historical, time-travel, magical realism, women’s novel. It’s available in all ebook formats at Smashwords, and will soon be available in a print-on-demand version at Amazon and other fine book sellers. To join her email list, click here. She will never sell the names on her list.

The Challenge of Change

Dr. Brene Brown Speaking at Texas Conference for Women

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” ~ Harriet Tubman

“Let us remember: One book, one pen, one child, and one teacher can change the world.” ~ Malala Yousafzai

This was going to be a very different post until I watched Brené Brown’s Live Facebook video from August 15th with her thoughts about what happened in Charlottesville. I’ve read a number of her books which are distillations of her research about shame and vulnerability. I think she’s a great teacher. In the video she said some things that were hard to acknowledge, but she was right. And I want to strip away some of the inner barriers I put up when writing these posts. I want to become as vulnerable as I can be about what I feel about events happening in this country and around the world.

Brené said that this country’s history is based on white supremacy. That was difficult to acknowledge, but she’s right. White men have been in power since our country’s inception. That’s starting to change now but it’s been a very slow process to get here. The fact is, we wouldn’t have a nation if it weren’t for a group of white men pushing for independence. And sometimes I think that we whites think that gives us extra privilege. I’m both grateful and ashamed that this is the case. I’m grateful to live in this country. On the other hand I feel ashamed to be part of the race that pushed the Original peoples off their lands. I’m ashamed that we almost annihilated them, took away their culture and languages. I feel shame that we built this country on the backs of slaves kidnapped from their homes to serve us, and I’m ashamed at how we have treated immigrants, from all over the world, with derision. We’ve even done this with some white groups. The illusion has been that this country was built on the principle that all men are created equal, but we’ve never lived that principle. We do have a class system. Thankfully it’s getting exposed.

So, here we are at this crossroads. What do we do now? Brené talked extensively about the need for those of us who are white to be willing to acknowledge the way things really are, and to be willing to enter into difficult discussions. Part of those discussions need to be about privilege, checking our perceptions, and power. Those of us who are white need to listen more than talk, and we need to believe that when anyone tells us their story, they are telling us their truth. It will be different than our truth, but it’s no less valid. Our discussions will be messy. We’ll make mistakes and wrong assumptions from time to time, but we need to be willing to enter into those discussions with as much respect as possible with our eye on coming to new understandings and forming new partnerships.

Brené always inspires me, which prompts me to tell you a story about the novel I’m about to publish in its print-on-demand version. In The Space Between Time, I attempted to create a multi-cultural community in the timeline in the past. When I had my book club group read one version of the manuscript, a woman who happens to be Jewish, was offended by my portrayal of the Jewish characters. Some of them travel on the same wagon train West with Morgan. She questioned whether Jews moved to Oregon in the late 1850s. She also resented the fact that late in the book I have a Jewish banker go to Jacksonville to put the bank back on a sound footing. She thought his character offensive. I’m sad to say I wasn’t very sympathetic to her objections. However, I did go home and do extra research about the Jews in Oregon before doing my revisions. I discovered that there were Jewish groups who traveled to the Oregon territory as early as the mid 1840s and that they were extremely instrumental in helping Oregon become a state and then in helping its growth. When I read that, I felt justified in keeping the Jewish characters, while making some adjustments to accommodate some of her objections.

Even though I made adjustments, it’s difficult to admit that I did not honor my friend’s objections, or point of view about my portrayal of the Jews in my book. Today, Brené Brown reminded me that I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be Jewish. I should have listened to my friend and considered her point of view more carefully. In my attempts to honor and include characters of other races in my book, I may have made similar faux pas with them as well. I won’t know until I have a chance to process the comments on my book. If I get lots of negative feedback, that’s okay. I intend to learn from my mistakes and grow as a writer. As Elizabeth Gilbert says, and I’m paraphrasing, “Finished is better than perfection.”

I think it’s true that we learn more from our mistakes and from the difficult situations in our lives than from the easy times. I want to become someone who is willing to be open to the perspectives of others even when they are sharing truths that I might not want to hear, or that I don’t fully understand.

Brené’s video helped me in another way. Today I begin a new semester teaching acting class. I always attempt to create a safe environment for my students to be vulnerable when creating and performing their characters. This semester I’m going to make an even greater effort in that regard. It’s impossible to have true and honest discussions if we don’t feel safe to share our particular point of view. I’m grateful for the work Brené does and her willingness to help us become more honest with ourselves and others.

To see Brené Brown’s video click here. The link is to her Facebook page. She recorded the video on August 15, 2017 at 7:50 a.m.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment or share with a friend.

Lucinda is the author of The Space Between Time, a historical, time-travel, magical realism women’s novel. It’s available in all ebook formats at Smashwords, and will soon be available in a print-on-demand version at Amazon and other fine book sellers. To join her email list, click here. She will never sell the names on her list.

Marriage Lessons

“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.” ~ Simone Signoret

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Today is my thirty-seventh wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that my husband and I have been married that many years, but then his parents celebrated their sixtieth anniversary last month, so Barry and I have a long way to go to beat that record.

For obvious reasons it feels appropriate to look back and reflect upon all the things I’ve learned from being married.

First of all I should say that we have no children, so the things I might have learned from being a parent I’ve had to learn in other ways, or not at all. I don’t regret that decision one bit. It was right for us.

The way Barry and I realized we were in love was right out of a movie script. We were in one of the college choirs together, and were preparing for a tour during Winter Term. It was January in Iowa. One evening at the end of rehearsal, the director told us to go ahead and put on our coats and other winter gear while we sang one of our encore songs, which happened to be “Let It Be Me”. Barry and I were goofing around pretending we were in a play singing to each other, when all of a sudden, looking into each other’s eyes, something changed. We both felt it. That was the beginning of our romantic relationship.

Relationships can begin like that. But romance is only the spark that brings a couple together. I was naive and thought that that tingly all over feeling was love and would last forever. I assumed that Barry was supposed to be my everything, meet all my needs, and I was in turn to be that for him. It was a shock when I understood that that is not realistic. A marriage where the two people are completely dependent on each other is not healthy. That couple is codependent and for awhile that applied to Barry and me. However a few years into our marriage, I learned one of the most important lessons of my life. I had to take responsibility for myself and make sure I did the personal work necessary to bring my best self to my relationship with Barry.

This led to another huge realization. Barry is my beloved and I rely on him for many things. But now I know that if something were to happen to him, I’d miss him terribly but I’d be okay.

Learning the above lessons started the day Barry and I were having an argument and I said to him, “When you say that, I feel …” The look on his face told me he was appalled, and he told me what he had intended by what he said. It was completely opposite to what I assumed he meant. What I assumed and what he intended were two completely different things. That was a big revelation. I learned that day that we hear one thing based on our past experiences, when in fact the other person might be trying to say something else. From that day onward, I checked in with him when we were having a discussion so that I understood just what he intended before getting all bent out of shape.

Over the years, I learned another vital lesson; that every day I must make the choice to commit to making our marriage work. For several years, I was sure that Barry would realize that I wasn’t worth his time and would leave me. So to protect my heart, I held back. I didn’t fully share my thoughts, or my affections. No relationship can work if one or both people are hiding behind their fear. When I was able to love and accept myself as I was, faults and all, I was able to open up and allow Barry his imperfections, and not try to change him.

My relationship with Barry has changed me in other ways. When he came into my life, I was an extremely serious person. I saw the world as a scary, hostile place. He, on the other hand, has a fantastic sense of humor and most of the time sees life as fun rather than a chore to get through. I’m forever grateful that he taught me how to laugh. Because of him, I now see life as an adventure. There are so many people to connect with, love and compassion to share, and beauty and wonder to experience everywhere. If it hadn’t been for him, I would never have had the courage to follow my dreams and try lots of daring new things. I hate to think what might have happened to me if I hadn’t married him. Though I do remember saying months or maybe even a year before Barry and I got together, that I deserved to find a true and lasting love and I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. I guess I was on my way to trusting that I lived in a friendly universe after all. Falling in love with Barry was confirmation of that fact.

In these last few years of our marriage, I’ve learned the largest lesson of all, that each person is much more than all the outer things we associate with being human. At the core of each of us is a shining, creative, loving human being full of talents to offer the world. Most of the time we get bogged down by self-hatred, or the things we own, or by seeking the house, job, or education we think of as necessary to live a happy life. But none of those things are the true essence of who we really are.

Since we’re both artists in our different ways, there have been times when Barry and I have found common ground struggling to find our place in the world. Much of the time people don’t understand or appreciate that artists and creatives look at the world in new and different ways to come up with their theories, or inventions, or artwork. Having so much in common with Barry has given me the freedom to explore and create. These thirty-seven years are ones I’m extremely grateful to have lived. I look forward to many more wonderful years of creativity and self-discovery with my beloved husband, Barry.

Post Script: A couple of days ago I went to the dentist. I mentioned our upcoming anniversary. Since he’s a former student of mine, he knew me well enough to ask what was the secret for such a long and happy marriage. Without thinking I said that each couple needs to figure that out for themselves, that there isn’t one right answer to that question. I did qualify that statement by saying that I think good communication is a key component to all good relationships. He and his assistant agreed.

I added that little story to say that I’ve shared what I’ve learned, but those are my lessons and realizations and might not necessarily apply to you and your relationships, so happy discoveries to you all.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment or share with a friend.

Happiness is the Best Offense

“Man only likes to count his troubles, but he does not count his joys.” ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.” ~ E Cubed, Pam Grout

“Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.” ~ Jim Rohn

“Some days are just bad days, that’s all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that’s just the way it is!” ~ Dita Von Teese

Okay, I know in the last post I wrote that I was mad and wasn’t going to take it anymore. But we don’t have the same emotions from day to day, or even minute to minute.

Here’s what I’ve learned over the years. The way through rough or dark emotions is to embrace them. That’s the only way I get through anger, sadness, or any other dark emotion, and emerge into joy. So last week I was venting. This week I’m sharing what happened when I had a little breakthrough.

It wasn’t anything spectacular. I just woke up feeling excited about the day and what I had planned to do on my creative projects. Part of my frustration of the previous post was because we were having some difficulties in communication with CreateSpace, our print-on-demand publisher. Getting my book published has been a many month process, and that’s on top of seven years of writing. So, I will be glad when the book is finally out in both print and ebook formats. After a little break, I may look into an audio version of the book, but for now, I’m concentrating on writing the sequel novel and promoting The Space Between Time.

It wasn’t just the issues with my book that were bothering me. I’ve had been feeling the turmoil about the political climate. But a friend of mine from my college theatre program, posted something on Facebook that was exactly what I was trying to achieve in my thinking. He said that he doesn’t wake up every morning thinking about all the political antics, or even all the hate, or crazy tweets posted in the night. He wakes up focused on his creative projects. He’s an independent movie maker and playwright. When I read that, I breathed a sigh of relief. It’s true, that’s what I do most of the time. I’m too busy having fun writing my novel, blog posts, and working on other creative projects, to worry about what’s going on in politics. However, every once in a while I get distracted.

For quite sometime, I’ve had this deep sense that all the spiritual teachers I’ve been reading are right. What we pay attention to expands. That’s not just a spiritual principle. It’s a scientific one as well, but I won’t bore you with all the data. That means that if I’m focused on my creativity and connecting in positive ways with my family and friends, then I’m helping hope, love and happiness expand. I certainly don’t want nastiness or hate to expand. I think my role on this planet, in this lifetime is to spread as much positive energy as I can.

I can’t say that coming to this conclusion has been easy. I’ve had to do lots of unlearning. One of the things I learned, in error, early on is that there is not enough money to go around. Another is that the world is a scary and dangerous place. Getting rid of fear and “lack” thinking has been a real challenge. However, it’s also been rewarding to dig into my thought patterns and release the ones that no longer serve any positive purpose. My life is so much happier now because I realized that what happens to me doesn’t happen from the outside. I create my experience by the way I’m thinking.

In the future there may be times when I will again vent my frustration, or anger. But it’s just my way of acknowledging that those are my feelings at the moment. I mean I have to take responsibility for ALL my emotions not just the great ones. Once I’ve vented, I can go back to concentrating on love, compassion, and joy.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment or share with a friend.

Am I Too Nice?

“Being nice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re weak. You can be nice and be strong at the same time. That’s a character trait that we need more in Washington.” ~ Shelley Moore Capito

“Certain people are like ‘Oh, here come the Feminazis!’ You end up acting 10 time nicer than you even need to be, to be the opposite of the stereotype like ‘You’re the man haters!’ We’re always bending over backwards being extra nice. And I don’t know if being nice is my legacy.” ~ Kathleen Hanna

“All that you touch, you Change. All that you Change Changes you. The only lasting truth is Change. God is Change.” ~ Earthseed: The Books of the Living, from Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler

Today a bunch of things I’ve listened to and read have collided in my heart and head. The collision brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been living in a kind of cocoon for the last few years only going out occasionally to teach a class, or go grocery shopping, have a date with my husband, or meet with my writer friends. For the most part it’s been lovely. On the other hand there have been times when I’ve felt like I was stagnating. Today it feels like big changes are coming to my life, that I’m going to break out of my safe little nest and move into something I never expected would happen to me.

One of the shifts that I know I have to make is to just let my real feelings spew out onto the page. Since I’m highly sensitive, I almost ALWAYS think twice before I speak or write. One particular time when I didn’t, I hurt someone and made them angry. Since I’ve been hurt so many times in my life, I don’t want to be the cause of pain for anyone else. But today I realize that I can’t control that, because deciding whether or not to be hurt by what I say or write isn’t up to me. It’s in the hands of the people I interact with. So here goes, I’m going to attempt to be totally honest about a couple of things I’ve been thinking about.

Last week I wrote about finally finding a label for my spiritual and religious beliefs. That word is Omnism. It’s the idea that truth doesn’t reside in just one religion, but that it can be found in all religions. That word describes my deepest feelings perfectly. Since I wrote that post, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about truth. It can be found not just in religions but in lots of places, if we are looking and listening deeply enough. I found it today while listening to Anne Bogel interview poet, Amena Brown on the “What Should I Read Next” podcast.

Amena was describing what it was like for her to write her poems and how that is completely different than writing the nonfiction book she has coming out in November. I was in tears because everything she said broke open my soul. The discussion was funny and light, but also so honest. In a flip of the emotional coin, I knew that the reason my book of essays that I have been working on has been falling flat is because I was hiding my true inner reality. For some reason it’s easier for me to be honest when writing fiction, but even there I have to work hard not to be too easy on my characters, and not to shy away from the darkness they feel when bad things happen to them.

Though I’ve been trying to be more open emotionally in these posts, I often continue to hide behind nice words and sentiments. But I can’t fool myself any longer. I’m almost as mad as hell as Peter Finch in the movie Network, and I’m not going to take it any more. This anger has been building for many months. One part of me knows that the way things are going in the world right now is leading toward an eventual awakening of humanity, and an overhaul of our systems of government, business, education, and all the rest. But I’m completely exhausted by the violence, and total disregard for human life running rampant in almost every aspect of our current reality. We’re in such a dark place of fear that it’s really difficult for me to feel that we might actually find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to be one of the people persisting in shining the light of love, but I’ve been afraid to go out and participate in those demonstrations because of my hyper empathy. That’s a term I learned from reading the book, Parable of the Sower, by Octavia E. Butler. The main character is hyper empathetic because her mother took a certain drug while she was pregnant with her. She not only feels other people’s emotions, she feels their physical pains as well. When she was really young she even bled with the injured person. There are times when I feel like that, like I’ve been shot, or my head bashed in, or I’ve been betrayed by loved ones, or even the system.

I’m almost half way through Octavia Butler’s book. It’s almost a prophecy of what could happen to our society if we don’t examine our fear and look for ways to heal ourselves. It’s so dark that I nearly put the book back on the shelf last night. I didn’t think I could finish it. And yet, the main character, Lauren, has connected to profound truths about God that she hopes to share once she leaves her walled in neighborhood. What she has written about God, has touched me deeply.

When I heard the podcast with Anne and Amena, I knew I had to finish reading the book. Lauren has found a way out of the darkness. Maybe I will too if I finish reading.

Another insight came to me as I listened to Anne and Amena talk. I’m still ticked about things that happened to me while I was in college. Today’s insights actually began when I read the book, A Brief History of Misogyny: The World’s Oldest Prejudice. by Jack Holland.

I have always been deeply interested in the mysteries of God and the spirit world. So, it was natural that I should study religion when I attended my church college. This was in the mid ‘70s. The population was small, and like small towns, everyone could potentially know everyone else’s business. So I shouldn’t have been surprised when a group of extremely conservative male students, tried to convince me, over a series of weeks or months, (I honestly don’t remember how long this went on.) that because I was a woman, I had no business studying religion. I would never be ordained a minister in the church. I was wasting my time. (A side note: Just a few years later, our church did begin to ordain women into the priesthood.)

Here is where my highly sensitive nature worked against me. I was furious with those young men. I wanted to tell them to piss off and leave me the hell alone. I wanted to yell and scream at the injustice of being a woman with road blocks in my way and nasty people telling me how to live my life. But I didn’t. I was a good girl. I didn’t want to cause them the same pain they were causing me, so I stuffed those feelings. I engaged them intellectually countering their Bible quotes with other Bible quotes, and with discoveries in Biblical Criticism. And I built a trench with a resolve to stay on the front lines until they gave up and went away. Which they eventually did. But rage had taken up residence in every cell of my body. It was eating me up. I deceived myself for a long time that I was fine. That I had won, having graduated with my religion degree, and I need never think of that chapter in my life again.

It was reading, The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck that woke me up. I did a great deal of personal work to heal that rage. And I thought I’d finished until I read, A Brief History of Misogyny. Wow, I’m still holding remnants of anger, and the situation with the GOP declaring a war on women is bringing it all up again.

I still don’t have a clear idea of what I’m going to do to persist in asserting that men have been in charge long enough, and that it’s time men and women learned to work together as equals.

I do know that the ideas for my sequel to The Space Between Time are crystalizing in interesting ways. Jenna and Morgan are going to engage as advocates for women in their separate time periods. Their story lines are becoming more clear in my mind. I’m excited to get off of the hump I’ve been stuck on for these last few months and be able to move forward with the book.

Maybe I never will be a marcher. Maybe I’ll work one on one, or in small groups with women to heal their wounds through journaling or through activism, or creating artwork. I don’t know. I just know I feel the Change coming and maybe that Change is God.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment or share with a friend.