Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Trying to stay on track

“Life is a series of experiences each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.” ~ Henry Ford

“We all get where we’re going by circuitous journeys, and some of the setbacks are warranted.” ~ Carol Burnett

Has this ever happened to you? You get an insight about something, or you learn a new skill and your world expands in some way. For awhile your new understanding is glorious and you feel so happy. But not long after something inside you gets frightened and rebels. It sets up an inner conflict which explodes making you feel unsettled and frightened, which causes you to lash out at those around you.

That happened to me last week. I’ve started doing A Course In Miracles daily exercises again this year and I got a profound insight that I wrote about a few posts back. I felt for the first time just how afraid I’ve been most of my life. But the thing is once I got that insight, I saw myself and my relationship to everything as free from fear. I saw myself creating a wonderful new life full of once unimaginable joyful experiences. For a day or two it was a glorious feeling. Then my ego said, “Oh no you don’t. I’m taking control back.” And I began to feel small, and anxious again.

It’s funny the way my ego will use little things to try to reel me back in. This time it was comments from my new critique partners about the first chapter of my new book. I got huffy and wanted to shoot nasty comments back and I even made some nasty comments to my husband about something completely trivial and totally unrelated. When I heard myself, I knew exactly what was happening.

So, I went to my journal to sort out my feelings. Writing always helps me get out the irksome emotions so I can tell my ego to go take a hike. When the negative feelings clear out, I see things much more clearly. What I figured out was that I wasn’t angry with my critique partners or my sweet husband. I was angry that I had let my ego sneak in and try to take control again.

I’ve been at this spiritual, self-awareness work for a long time, and what happened last week should not have come as a surprise to me. It’s always the same, two steps forward and one step back, or at least my ego would like me to take steps back. But once I’ve had that new insight, or learned that new skill, I can’t unsee or unlearn it. It’s kind of like those mind bending pictures artists do to try to get us to see the hidden words, or figures in their work. We stare at the picture and once we see what they’ve hidden, we can’t unsee it.

Even though there are things that unsettle me from time to time, I’m grateful I have the tools of writing and meditation to help me work things out. Sometimes I wonder what it must be like for people who don’t have any way to get rid of their fear. I wish I could help them. Maybe one way I can help is to be honest about my own stumbling journey. Another is to be kind. I’m not always good at either of those especially if I feel threatened, but I’ll keep working on it.

To end this post, I’ll include a review of my first book from a friend of mine sent a day after my little run in with my ego. It was totally unexpected and came just at the right time.

“Recently, I finished reading a book titled, The Space Between Time, by my friend, Lucinda Sage-Midgorden. It was the best book I’ve read in a long time. It kept me captivated, which I have not experienced from any other book for the past couple of years. I loved all the little gems of meaningful and what I call spiritual statements throughout the book. You know, those words that make you pause and think, and sometimes have an “aha” from or a deeper awareness about something. And it was entertaining and informational about some of the history in the 1800’s and yet, contemporary. It also reminded me of the importance of “living in community” and how important it is to help one another and be engaged in your community. Thank you Lucinda for a wonderful, entertaining and captivating book!” ~ Rita Gau

Thanks for reading. I appreciate your taking time out of your week to comment and like my posts.

Lucinda Sage-Midgorden © 2018

Lucinda is the author of The Space Between Time, an award finalist in the “Fiction: Fantasy” category of the 2017 Best Book Awards. It’s a historical, time-travel, magical realism, women’s novel, and is available in all ebook formats at Smashwords, and print-on-demand at Amazon and other fine book sellers. To join her email list, click here. She will never sell the names on her list.

Published by lucindasagemidgorden

I grew up in the West, the descendant of people traveling by wagon train to a new life. Some of their determination and wanderlust became a part of me. I imagine them sitting around the campfire telling stories, which is why I became first a theatre artist, then a teacher and now a writer. They are all ways of telling stories.

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