“My belief is that communication is the best way to create strong relationships.” ~ Jada Pinkett Smith
“If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it–through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.” ~ Victoria Moran, Lit From Within: Tending Your Soul for Lifelong Beauty
It came to me little by little over the last few months that I have been teaching people to take me for granted. And the biggest part of that was that I was NOT communicating how I felt when those exchanges happened. Just recently my husband, Barry has been the instrument Divine Oneness used to help me finally see that I needed to put myself first.
Maybe you were brought up like I was to think that it was selfish to put your needs above that of others. Over the years as I’ve studied various spiritual teachers, almost all of them have said variations of the same thing. We must learn to take care of ourselves first. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. How can we help others if our tank is empty?
My tank is almost completely empty right now.
Barry and I have had a few incidences recently where I felt that he wasn’t listening to me, he wasn’t treating me with respect, or honoring my point of view. One day it hit me that I had not fully taught him how I wanted to be treated. If I sat quietly and accepted the way an exchange had gone, how would he know that I was hurt, or irritated by what he’d said or done?
So, we talked about my realization. It’s not that Barry wants to hurt me. My silence makes him think I agree with him. I have to speak up and say, “When you say, or do thus and so, I feel this.” That’s clear non-accusatory communication. When I do that, he’s always surprised and apologetic. He doesn’t mean to make me angry or feel belittled. So, we decided that we both need to speak up and tell each other the truth if an exchange is out of balance so we can have clearer more loving exchanges.
I realized something else these past months, I’ve continued to hold on to anger over long past events. When I was in college I was harassed on a daily basis because I was the only woman in the religious studies program. My heart would sink into my stomach every mealtime as the three “dark angels” came toward me to expound the truth that I was violating the natural order of things by studying something reserved for men. I understand now that I used them as an excuse to be suspicious of all men and that’s not good. I need to let that go.
The bottom line for me is that women need to teach men how to treat us. We don’t have to do it in a nasty or back handed way. We can assert our feelings in a clear unemotional manner. If our male friends and family still don’t get it, it might be time to let them go. That could mean not associating with them any more, or it might mean we withdraw emotional attachment to any interactions we have with them. If you want an example of what I mean by withdrawing emotional attachment, go watch the movie, Now, Voyager. Bette Davis’ character learns to assert her independence from her controlling mother, while still maintaining a relationship with her. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing decision. Once Bette Davis’ character loved herself, her mother knew she couldn’t manipulate her any longer.
I believe it’s time for women to speak up and not let the world roll on as it has for millennia. It’s time for a change and I believe women are the drivers of that change.
Have a wonderful weekend. Welcome new followers. Thanks for joining us. Please leave a comment, like, or share these posts with your friends and family. And if you are so inclinded, leave a donation to support my work. Thanks in advance. Let’s spread some love.
Lucinda Sage-Midgorden © 2021
Lucinda is the author of The Space Between Time, an award finalist in the “Fiction: Fantasy” category of the 2017 Best Book Awards.
Have you ever experienced life shattering events? Yeah, most of us have. In The Space Between Time, Jenna Holden gets slammed by her fiancé walking out, her mother’s untimely death, and losing her job all in one week. But she receives unexpected help when she finds her three-times great-grandmother’s journals and begins the adventure of a lifetime.
The Space Between Time is available in all ebook formats at Smashwords and for Kindle at Amazon, or you can find the ebook at iBooks or Barnes and Noble. If you prefer a physical copy, you can find a print-on-demand version at Amazon. Stay tuned for news when the audiobook version is published.
Lucinda is also the host of Story-Power a podcast where she and her guests discuss their creative endeavors, and/or the stories that have changed their lives. It’s available here on Sage Woman Chronicles and on Apple, Google, and Spotify podcast apps. Please rate and leave a review. It helps people find me.
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