“When you feel sad, it’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. Everyone has those days when you doubt yourself, and when you feel like everything you do sucks, but then there’s those days when you feel like Superman. It’s just the balance of the world. I just write to feel better.” ~ Mac Miller
“No person, no place, and no thing has any power over us, for ‘we’ are the only thinkers in our mind. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives.” ~ Louise L. Hay
I teach my dramatic structure students that there are two kinds of conflict in a story, internal and external. This week has been one with lots of external conflict for me, but really when I examine all the stressful things that happened, mostly on Tuesday, I realize that all the stress I was feeling was caused by MY REACTION to the external events. I stressed myself out.
I’ve written here before that I want to quit teaching. But just when I was ready to quit, I met my friend Dave, a theatre professional. I felt like he was the perfect person to take over all my classes. He and I have been team teaching acting class for several semesters now and the students blossom from his encouragement and great tips on how to connect with their characters. The thing is, he didn’t have his Masters which is required to teach at the community college level. I think this is silly given the fact that Dave has over 40 years experience in theatre in general and 25 years as a professional.
But put that aside for a moment. This week it became extremely clear to me that I chose to sacrifice what I wanted and needed for my own well being, so I could leave the small, but growing theatre program at my college in good hands.
In religious terms a sacrifice is often given for the greater good of the collective. People who sacrifice themselves for a cause are considered holy or at the very least the best of humanity. I think we’ve been hoodwinked by theologies that teach those views. It’s one thing if a person feels a calling to be in the spotlight and do big things for the greater good of humanity. It’s another to go against your calling and obligate yourself because you think you should. In reality, every person who fulfills their purpose IS working for the greater good of all. Their role may be small, but that’s how things are built, one small step at a time.
I’ve been going against my calling for the last year and a half. This week I had a melt down, which I rarely do anymore. It was one of those days when almost everything that could go wrong did. The next morning I woke up and I was furious that I found myself in a situation that I have wanted to shed for a long time.
You know, I believe that self-examination is one of the most sacred things we can do. I’ve been forced by this week’s circumstances into actually noticing how I feel about all the work I’ve been doing to manipulate a situation that I don’t even want to be a part of anymore.
As I wrote in my journal, I realized that my parents and even the church in which I grew up, taught that self-sacrifice was what God wanted of me. But I remembered what Neale Donald Walsch wrote in the first Conversations with God book, “God doesn’t want anything from you.” He had asked God what he wanted from us and that was His response. But man, when I read that all those years ago, that statement resonated in my soul. I’m good enough as I am and God doesn’t need anything from me because She already has everything, or can create everything She needs.
It’s hard to acknowledge that I chose to sacrifice these two years so Dave and the college could benefit. However, balancing what I feel is my purpose, with helping someone else fulfill theirs, is starting to wear on me and I have some decisions to make.
First, I handed over some tasks having to do with the theatre club that Dave and I started, to the students.
Second, I’ve asked for some Divine help in striking a better balance with growing my business, and being the place holder at the college until Dave is ready to take over.
Third, I’m going to take little bits of time off to regain my equilibrium. My soul is exhausted. The melt down is telling me that I’ve also invested too much time in worrying about all that’s going on right now. I mean if you watch the news, it looks pretty grim. And yet, I believe that we’ve been saved so many times throughout the ages because we, humanity, has a huge divine purpose. I don’t know what that purpose is, but I feel that we wouldn’t be here going through all this EXPLETIVE, for no reason. I don’t believe in a random, chaotic universe even though it looks like that’s what’s happening sometimes. I believe everything that happens, and what we decide to go through, has a purpose.
And since that’s the case, my decision to “sacrifice” my time to help Dave and others right now, has a divine purpose too. It brought me to the huge realization that I need never sacrifice myself or my purpose again. This week has helped me clear out some old beliefs that never were valid but I accepted as truth.
Now the clouds are clearing in my mind, I’m going back to the beliefs that I’m enough as I am. I don’t need to cling to roles in life that no longer serve me. I can live in joy even though I’ve gone against my better judgement to help my friend. I can choose to see this as the perfect time of transition from one chapter of my life to the next.
I hope you are all doing well. Are you experiencing changes in your lives? I’d be interested to read your thoughts.
Welcome new followers and thanks for reading and commenting. Feel free to share this blog or my podcasts with your friends and family.
Lucinda Sage-Midgorden © 2021
Lucinda is the author of The Space Between Time, an award finalist in the “Fiction: Fantasy” category of the 2017 Best Book Awards.
Have you ever experienced life shattering events? Yeah, most of us have. In The Space Between Time, Jenna Holden gets slammed by her fiancé walking out, her mother’s untimely death, and losing her job all in one week. But she receives unexpected help when she finds her three-times great-grandmother’s journals and begins the adventure of a lifetime.
The Space Between Time is available in all ebook formats at Smashwords and for Kindle at Amazon, or you can find the ebook at iBooks or Barnes and Noble. If you prefer a physical copy, you can find a print-on-demand version at Amazon. Stay tuned for news when the audiobook version is published.
Lucinda is also the host of Story-Power a new podcast where she and her guests discuss the stories in all formats that have changed their lives. It’s available here on Sage Woman Chronicles and on Apple, Google, and Spotify podcast apps. Please rate and leave a review. It helps people find me.
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