Family Connections

Arizona Butterfly

“Forgiveness is the final form of love.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

“Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense.” ~ Robert Frost

During this visit to family for the holidays, we’ve been able to reconnect with my father’s last living brother. It’s been over twenty years since we last saw him, and we’ve all been through lots of life altering experiences. Seeing my uncle again and hearing the stories of his painful experiences has caused me to reflect on relationships and just how complicated they are. Each of us carry wounds, some healed, some still seeping. But for me the meaning of Jesus life, and that of the other great teachers like him, is that we must learn to forgive those who have wounded us, and forgive ourselves for being thoughtless.

When we think of forgiveness, we often think of the person who has been hurt, but not about the person who caused the pain. Having been the perpetrator of hurt feelings, I know that when I hurt someone else, I feel terrible that I could have done such a thing and I berate myself endlessly. Okay, I know not everyone is sensitive, or has empathy enough to regret what they did, but still there are always two sides to any story when someone gets hurt. And often there are two wounds that need to be addressed and healed.

This year there has been a lot of talk about how uncivil our society has become, and that we need to be kinder to each other. Social media has become littered with landmines of nasty comments. But I have to remind myself that when someone lashes out with hate, they are trying to get rid of their own negative feelings. So, I go back to one of my life themes, if we want to rebuild our personal relationships and create a kinder society, we have to begin with loving ourselves. Then we can spread kindness within our smaller circle of friends and family. This creates a ripple effect that will transform our personal relationships and our society into one that most of us say we want.

I try to remember that we’re all a member of the human family and that no one is perfect. Often we’re in our own little worlds and aren’t as mindful as we could be when interacting with others. We cause harm where none was intended. I’m a firm believer in the idea that we’re all doing the best we can all the time. And that not everyone has the same level of life coping skills. So, maybe we should do what Atticus Finch suggests to Scout; put on someone else’s shoes and walk around in them for a while. Doing that might help us not only see where we’ve caused pain, but also see that the people who hurt us might not have intended what happened. They were just living their lives and doing the best they could at the time.

Here’s to creating a great 2019!

Thanks for reading, liking, and commenting. I appreciate it.

Lucinda Sage-Midgorden © 2018

Lucinda is the author of The Space Between Time, an award finalist in the “Fiction: Fantasy” category of the 2017 Best Book Awards. It’s a historical, time-travel, magical realism, novel, and is available in all ebook formats at Smashwords, or you can find the ebook at iBooks or Barnes and Noble. If you prefer a physical copy, you can find a print-on-demand version at Amazon. Stay tuned for news on the audiobook version Lucinda is working on. To join her email list, click here. She will never sell the names on her list.

Another Sample from The Space Between Time

Civil War Woman
Civil War Woman

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ~ George Burns

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

This week I thought you might like to read a section from early in Morgan’s story in the past from my soon to be published novel, The Space Between Time. This segment takes place in the past. Morgan is Jenna’s three-times great-grandmother and upon finding Morgan’s journals, Jenna sat down to read. When she did she entered Morgan’s consciousness. This scene takes place on the day of Morgan’s father’s funeral.

At that moment, her Aunt Veronica opened the sliding doors and stood glaring at her. Morgan’s heart took a little summer salt but seeing her aunt’s face cemented her resolve. She stood up, straightened her spine and stepped past her aunt. Jenna’s panic drained away as Morgan relaxed her face so that no emotion showed at all while staring into her aunt’s cold eyes. While neither woman spoke, Jenna felt the vast difference between the woman standing in front of them, and Morgan’s mother Julia.

Gold, silver and shimmering diamond described Veronica. She was a handsome woman, but cold, ambitious, and hard-hearted. Morgan’s mother Julia, on the other hand, had been made of different colors, pink, green, and lavender. She had been a loving, open minded, and caring woman.

Veronica closed the sliding doors and said with malice, “So, you and your father decided to deceive me. How do you think this will look when my friends back in Boston hear that you did not inform me of Thomas illness? Don’t you think I had a right to know? After all, I am family.”

A shiver ran down Morgan’s spine but she suppressed it. “Father wanted us to be left in peace, to spend what time we had together uninterrupted by fussing nurses, which you no doubt would have insisted upon.”

Veronica sniffed. “Your father never knew what was best for you. I’m sure he did this to spite me because I wanted to take you away and give you every advantage he couldn’t.”

Jenna shuddered as Morgan crossed the room and stood in front of her aunt. “Aunt Veronica, father was a good and kind man who loved me very deeply. He knew that I would be just another bobble for you to polish and have admired.”

At this statement Veronica bristled and lost control of herself. “Morgan, you are too independent by half. I see now that your father has taught you too much and not had a thought for your future. If he had cared about you, he never would have raised you to think like a man nor would he have involved you in this underground railroad nonsense.”

Morgan gasped. How had her aunt found out about that? But her part was small. Other members of the congregation had larger roles in helping escaped slaves cross the border to freedom.

A malicious smile spread across Veronica’s face. “Ah, you’re surprised I knew about that. Your father exposed you to filthy, shiftless slaves who ran away shirking their duty to their masters. Any number of terrible things could have happened to you because of your father’s thoughtlessness. I intend to change your foolish notions by taking you back to Boston with me and see that you marry the right sort of man. I will brook no refusals. You’re not getting any younger, you know. Go upstairs this instant and pack your things. We’re leaving on the evening train.”

Deep calm swept over Morgan. Ignoring the old argument, she spoke softly. “No, Aunt Veronica. I am not going with you.”

I hope you enjoyed this little segment. You can join my mailing list here if you are interested in receiving notification on this and other of my creative projects.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment or share with a friend.

Lucinda Sage-Midgorden © 2017

Truth and Perception

Julia working at the wheel.
Julia working at the wheel.

“The problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem.” –Captain Jack Sparrow

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” –Dennis Wholey

“Becoming yourself is really hard and confusing, and it’s a process. I was completely the eager beaver in school. I was the girl in the front of the class who was the first person to put her hand up and it’s often not cool to be the person that puts themselves out there, and I’ve often gotten teased mercilessly, but I found that ultimately if you truly pour your heart into what you believe in – even if it makes you vulnerable – amazing things can and will happen.” -Emma Watson

“Just like there’s always time for pain, there’s always time for healing.” –Jennifer Brown

Life is difficult and messy. It’s a mystery and most of the time we bump up against other humans with our set of values and what we think of as the truth and there’s friction. When that happens there are often hurt feelings.

My post last week was about something that had happened the week before within my family. I was trying to figure it all out. In the process I made the older of my sisters angry. She felt ambushed by what I wrote. I hadn’t cleared it with her. I regret that I ambushed her. That’s happened to me several times in my life and it doesn’t feel good. However, the exchange between us over the “facts” and the “truth” of the incident in question has made me do some deep thinking about what is truth and fact. I’ve also been thinking about whether or not I should apologize for speaking my truth.

I’ll write first about truth. There is one thing I know for sure about truth, there are as many versions of it as there are human beings living on this planet. And as most of us know, facts can be manipulated. So I ask, is there an ultimate truth? The way human beings determine what is truth, is by their perception of how the world works. We can’t help seeing the world in our own unique way. The factors that determine our perceptions are DNA, place of birth, order of birth in the family, gender, and on and on. So, no matter what I say, or how well I think I’ve described something, there will be people who just won’t get what I’m trying to express. This is what happened with my sister. An event happened in my family. I see it one way, my sister sees it another. Who’s right? Is there even a right or a wrong? Should I apologize for seeing a different truth than my sister? At one time I would have said yes. I would have apologized just to smooth things over so there would be peace in the family. I’m not so quick to do that now and here are the reasons why.

I have a right to my opinion about what happened. Something tells me to keep silent for a while and give everyone involved time to consider and sort out their individual feelings. This may sound bad, and you might not understand it. However, I’ve learned the most about myself from the times when I’ve been broken open by being hurt. Things were said, and misunderstandings happened in my family. Instead of whining, complaining, I immediately started asking, “What is this trying to show me?” I want to give my siblings a chance to ask the same question. I want to give us all time to calm down and get the lesson. If I take time to calm myself, I have an opportunity to understand my siblings better. I want to accept them as they are and not try to change them, because I believe we each have what Caroline Myss calls a Sacred Contract. Every single person has a purpose for being here, and it’s not my place to judge what that purpose might be. That goes for my siblings as well.

I must admit I did judge my brother and sister at first. But, I’m starting to get over that now, though I’m still not to forgiveness yet. I just keep remembering what my Dad used to say, “Once a person’s mind is made up, you can’t change it.” I may not be able to change my brother and sister’s minds. I have to be okay with that. Eventually I will be able to love and accept them as they are.

Another thing I’ve learned over the years is that being vulnerable is one of the best ways to connect with others. When someone shares their story with me, I don’t feel so alone. For most of my life, I was an observer. I didn’t share my deepest thoughts and feelings, because I was afraid of making mistakes. I didn’t want to stir the waters. I didn’t want people to be angry with me. But as I’ve gotten older, I realize, everyone makes mistakes. There is no getting away from that. I can either accept myself as I am, mistakes and all, or I can crawl into a cocoon and not have any impact on changing the world at all. When faced with the prospect of not having any effect, I can’t go down that road. Something drives me to help make the world a better place in which to live, which means over these last seven years of being a writer, I’ve come out of my shell. I’ve written about my mistakes, and things that confuse me. I’ve ranted about situations around the world that make me angry. I’ve mused about my writing process. I may have made people angry like I did my sister and all I can say is, anytime we move out of our comfort zone it’s a good thing.

Today is the last day of 2014. I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, because I attempt to live in the moment, and who knows what lessons the next moment will bring? I’ll continue to make mistakes, which I embrace. It shows that I’m moving forward, that I’m trying to become a better person. I don’t want to go back to being that quiet observer afraid to say or do anything just in case I might cause a reaction. Growth comes from shaking up the status quo, throwing out what no longer works, and building something new out of what’s left.

So here’s to a great New Year for all of you, my readers. I hope 2015 is full of successes and mistakes and falling down and getting up for all of us. Here’s hoping your dreams come true.