I’ve started writing a memoir titled Everything I Learned About Being Human I Learned from Movies. This is a rough draft of the introduction. I hope you enjoy it and will make comments.

Introduction 

“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’” 

― Dale Carnegie, How To Win Friends and Influence People

“Be curious, not judgmental.” Walt Whitman

Thank you Robert Fulghum for the title inspiration, I read your book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, years ago. I loved that you took something as seemingly simple as kindergarten and turned it into a book about important life lessons. That’s what I hope to do with this book, take the lessons I learned from my parents and our movie discussions and share them with you my readers.

My parents used movies to teach my siblings and me about living in a complicated world that as I look back on it now, public school wasn’t able to prepare me for. Their use of movies instilled a love of stories in me so deeply that little by little I made them the most important part of my life. I studied and worked in theatre, then taught it for many years. 

As I look back, the lessons unfolded a smidgen at a time as I continued to watch and think about my favorite movies. Since I’m at heart a teacher, I’m going to share with you important things I learned during my formal theatre education that might help you use movies as a learning and teaching tool too.

Let me start with the first movie that was a turning point for me. Until I watched and discussed this movie, Back Story (1961), with my father, it had never occurred to me that I could apply the themes of the movies we watched, and the lessons the characters learned to my real life. This movie did that for me not only because of the movie itself, but also because of how my mother reacted to me watching it.

Back Street (1961) Melodrama, Drama, Romance 

Starring Susan Hayward, John Gavin, Vera Miles

The Story Possible spoilers ahead.

There are two earlier versions of this movie, but it was the 1961 version that I saw one Sunday afternoon with my Dad. He was a fan of Susan Hayward and I thought the story sounded interesting. Here’s a short description: A chance encounter leads to romance between aspiring clothes designer and a Marine. After their paths diverge, Rae builds a fashion career in NYC. Years later she and Paul meet a couple more times. Unfortunately the thing that kept them apart was Paul’s marriage. But the marriage had never been healthy and he repeatedly tried to get a divorce. Rae finally sees that Paul’s wife is an out of control alcoholic. It’s then that she agrees to the affair he suggested so long ago.

Analysis

This movie is what’s called a “pot boiler”. It’s themes are considered scandalous. The emotions are heightened and music rather cheesy. However, like many melodramas, it’s a commentary on the societal mores and family customs of the day. As was our routine, my father and I watched movies together on the weekends, just the two of us. (He watched sports with my brother). On this occasion, I was a junior or senior in high school. It was the late 60s or early 70s. 

I was attracted to the storyline because the main characters Paul and Rae defy societal conventions to be together. Their relationship was built on true love. It seemed to me that the theme of the movie was how unconditional love can help heal deep wounds.

The movie challenges the idea that marriage vows are sacred and should never be broken. Paul’s wife, Liz, played so convincingly by Vera Miles, has broken her vows by her disrespect and hatred of Paul. She also has very little contact with her children. All she cares about is having the money to party as much as she wants. It’s hinted at that she’s had affairs throughout her marriage to Paul while he struggles to keep his children from knowing how horrible their mother is. I was young and näive. I didn’t understand why Paul should be forced to stay with such an abusive woman. But the movie reflects the time period. It begins right after WW II and ends in the late 50s or early 60s. Divorce was almost taboo during those years.

The story challenges the strict religious and societal rules which makes it difficult for people to be true to themselves. Maybe I’m a bit of a rebel like my Dad, but there are times when breaking the rules is the right thing to do. This movie shows one of those situations. 

I’ve thought about this movie a great deal over the years because of something that happened while Dad and I were watching it.

How This Movie Makes Me Feel

As my father and I were watching the movie, my mother came into the room to tell us something. When she saw what we were watching, she was appalled and wanted me to stop watching it. At the time I didn’t understand what her real objection was. I felt like she didn’t trust me to know the difference between right and wrong. When I asked why she didn’t want me to watch the movie, all she said was that having an affair with a married man was immoral and not the proper story for me to be exposed to. Dad intervened and told mom that we were discussing the moral implications and I tried to get her to understand that Rae and Paul truly loved each other while his wife was abusive to him. She didn’t care. In her mind Paul was the villain. She left in a huff. I can only imagine the discussion Mom and Dad had about the incident that evening behind closed doors. 

It was only later I remembered that when my mother was nine years old her father had an affair and left the family. My grandmother was devastated and as the oldest daughter, Mom probably was her support system. It was even later that they found out that leaving Grandma, Mom and my Aunt, was not the first time he’d left a family behind. This was a further betrayal that they had to deal with. So, in a way I began to understand why my mother was so against a movie portraying an affair between a married man and unmarried woman. It was too close to home for her. Sometimes that’s how movies affect us. We can’t watch them because we’re not ready to deal with the emotions the movie brings up for us.

Over the years as I’ve thought about my mother’s reaction to Back Street, it occurs to me that sometimes childhood trauma is the hardest to deal with. My mom wasn’t able to take a step back to examine the themes of the movie because what happened to her was still too painful. She grew up during the Depression and going to see a psychiatrist was too expensive, even if my Grandmother had thought it appropriate for them to go. But during that generation when something bad happened, you just clenched your teeth, put one foot in front of the other and plowed ahead. 

I can’t fault my mom, or anyone who has movies that they refuse to watch. There are several movies in this category for me. I believe movies can teach many good lessons, but we don’t have to see every movie ever made to learn them. It’s all a matter of what we want to get out of a movie and how we want to feel after watching it.

Another thing about this movie that makes my blood boil is the Hayes Code that was in place at the time. One of the tenants of the code was that guilty characters had to pay a price for their crimes or indiscretions. That’s why both Liz and Paul had to die. While Liz is the obvious villain of the story, in the eyes of the censors, Paul wasn’t completely blameless. I wanted Paul and Rae to end up together and finally have a happy and fulfilling life raising his children together. Unfortunately, Rae was left alone as her punishment. But in a way the studio redeemed themselves by having the observant nanny, now the children’s guardian, bring Paul’s children to Rae. She’s seen the love between Paul and Rae and hopes she will be a surrogate mother to the children.

As for me, I like almost everything about Back Street except that Paul dies. The most amazing part about this movie and others with great acting, is being able to read the body language, facial expressions, and hear the tone of voice of the actors. If we pay attention we can feel and understand their emotional bent. Susan Hayward had such expressive eyes and facial expressions. You could see exactly what she was thinking and feeling in every scene. Non-verbal communication is something I’ll write more about in another chapter. Watching movies can help you develop the skills to read people by their non-verbal cues. 

Susan Hayward’s performance when she actually meets Liz years after first meeting Paul is the turning point of the story. She’d resisted entering into an affair with Paul every time they ran into each other over the years. Maybe it’s just me, but I could almost feel the sinking feeling in her stomach when she found out he was married. At that point she counted herself lucky that she’d missed leaving with him. But years laters when she encountered Liz, who was literally falling down drunk, you could see on her face that she was beginning to understand what Paul had been going through. The next day when Paul was able to tell Rae his whole story, her demeanor changes. She feels completely different about the affair. She’s ready to offer him the love he should have had all along.

Vera Miles as Liz, is also particularly good at showing us her true nature through her non-verbal cues coupled with what she says. She’s only in three or four scenes in the movie, but it’s obvious she’s completely narcissistic. She plays Liz so big that you can’t mistake her true personality. Seeing her performance might help the viewer be able to identify anyone in their real world who is even remotely like her. Almost everything she says is dripping with sarcasm and distain. She gloats at her ability to make Paul suffer. And it’s obvious by Paul’s reaction that his stomach is clenched and he has a difficult time not striking Liz. I should have remembered this toxic situation when I took my first job out of college at a vocational school.

When I got the call from the employment agency that they were offering me a job, I remember having a huge sinking feeling in my stomach. My body knew, even if my mind didn’t that I should turn down the offer. But I was a new college graduate and married. We needed the money so I said yes. Working at that job was two years of torture. It was much easier for me to extract myself from that job than Paul had trying to end his marriage. In my case, I was the only one who could save myself.

Even though I don’t want to admit it, I could relate to Paul’s inability to leave Liz. Confrontation is hard for me and as an empathetic person, I can usually see the pain the other people are feeling that makes them so toxic. But understanding their pain doesn’t mean I have to take it onto myself. Doing so doesn’t help anyone. What I’ve learned over the years is that I’m responsible for my life alone. Paul didn’t learn that lesson. He was a decent guy and didn’t want to drag Liz through a messy divorce because of how the publicity might affect his children. 

On the other hand, every time I watch Paul and Rae together, I feel good. It’s as if their love illuminates them both. Their relationship is mature and deeply loving, something they both deserve. They treat each other with respect. Rae doesn’t demand that Paul force a divorce, she gives her love without asking for anything in return. In my estimation their relationship is a good example for us, the audience. 

The question the movie asks is: What is more important, giving and receiving love, or maintaining a relationship that doesn’t work any more simply because society and religion tell us once vows are taken they are forever? To me the answer is to choose love no matter the consequences.

My Recommendation

I don’t like to give ratings. But as you can probably guess, I recommend you seek out this movie and see what you can learn from it. For me I give it a solid 8 (from 1 – 10). It has a 6.6 rating on IMDb. It’s an example of many of the melodramas from the 1940s to the 60s that challenge the status quo. Once the Civil Rights, Women’s Movements, the protests against the Vietnam War, and the Watergate scandal happened movies changed with the times.

Why Use Movies as a Teaching Tool?

Why did my parents use movies as teaching tools you might ask? I think it was because my dad had dyslexia. And while he taught himself how to read, he couldn’t read out loud very well. My mom worked even before I went to school. At the end of a long day of work and dinner chores, she was tired. I imagine my parents talking about how to prepare us for living in a sometimes scary world and since they loved movies, that was the tool they chose. During the commercial breaks, they’d ask us vital questions about what we thought about what had just happened in the story and what we thought was going to happen next. 

As I grew the questions about each particular story became more complex. And as we explored the messages of each story I slowly began to understand that I could apply what I’d been learning in my real life. Back Street was one the first movies that helped me make this connection. I expanded my observations of human nature by asking questions about why my friends, family and even I acted the way we did. Observation of others in stories and in real life became a habit. I was hooked. I wanted to understand myself and others in the deepest way possible. Movies, and eventually stories of all kinds, became the doorway to explore and discover. 

I didn’t know that I’d chosen story exploration as a life mission until I retired and started my podcast, Story-Power. I guess I was too busy making a living to reflect on why I loved stories so much. And then there was the stigma of loving something that is considered to be extremely frivolous. The common view of stories, movies, and television is that they are meant to be entertainment not a way to learn significant life lessons. But looking back at my educational and employment choices, I now see the pattern of emotional exploration that my parents helped me develop.

In college I studied Religion and Theatre and Speech, both choices were unconscious efforts to dig deeply into human motivations and situations. I was trying to deepen my understanding of why humans do what they do and what they learn from their trials and tribulations. These disciplines are all about asking questions about who we are, why we’re here and the lessons the historical figures and fictional characters learned (or not) throughout history. 

It might have been when I was working on my Masters of Education that I finally put it together that stories are one of the oldest teaching tools. Before written language was invented, stories were told around campfires, in cave art, and in rituals to teach the young about a variety of things, how to behave in the community being one of them.

Once I was out in the working world, I fell into the trap of believing that you can’t make a career out of the arts. It didn’t take me long to realize the job I mentioned above was killing me. I decided to continue my quest to understand human beings by enrolling in the Theater Arts Master program at Portland Sate University. 

Once I started my classes I was back in my zone. Analyzing and playing characters very different from myself was not always comfortable, but I learned more about why some characters chose self-destructive paths rather than heal their wounds. I also learned that no matter who we are, we have traumas that affect our choices. Those years were a huge learning experience for me because no matter what kind of character I was playing, I found that I had something in common with them that I could use to help me perform adequately. 

After graduation I worked in the Portland theatre scene, taught drama classes through Portland and Vancouver Parks and Recreation departments continuing my quest to understand myself and my fellow human beings better. It’s a quest I’ve never given up. Later teaching my high school and college students to analyze stories and apply what they learned has only helped me deepen my understanding what makes us human.

I will always be grateful to my parents for caring enough about me to share their love of movies as a way to understand myself and my fellow human beings.

I hope you’ll read on as I share some of the techniques I learned to use when analyzing movies. I hope you will take away something you can use to help you learn vital lessons about yourself, your family, friends, and coworkers.

Prolific Writers Life

My husband, Barry and I are members and experts at Prolific Writers Life, which offers members a variety of free online work sessions and discounts on coaching with industry experts. They offer opportunities to hone your writing skills, develop your author brand, and connect with a supportive community in live events. You can participate in group chats or send private messages to members through Prolific Writers Chat. If you’ve got a writing project, or are an expert who can help members finish their books, come join the community.

They also offer fun events like Films for Writers, which is free for anyone who wants to attend. It’s like a film club. We watch the movies about writers often with tidbits about their writing life, and then come together on the last Friday evening of every month to discuss the movie. You can check out Prolific Writers Life with a free 14 day trial to see if this the community you have been looking for.